I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
