Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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