the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
