if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
