He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
