I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
