exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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