I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
