The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
