I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
