peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i barfeds in our rink
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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