Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
