i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She's the barista slut.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
