i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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