I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
