what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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