I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
