i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
