I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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