and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
