eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
