so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
