hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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