I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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