I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
