i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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