wakey wakey hands off snakey
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
