i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
