dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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