Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
