how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
