I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
