I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
