the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
