did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
