It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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