For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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