Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
