Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
