I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
