I accidentally had phone sex last night
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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