Pappa wants mamma naked
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
