You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
