I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
