I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
