I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
