i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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