i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just invented taco cereal.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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