New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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