I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
now i know why i became what i already was.
even my farts smell like vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
