There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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